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More on my Mt. Equity weekend...

Oriyoki - It didn't do as bad as I thought. One small mess-up that needed a gentle correction from a senior student, I forgot all about my lap cloth and was about to tie up the bowls without it. Then later, at the next meal, I jumped the gun on placing my lap cloth over the bowls before wrapping the bottom and top corners over the bowls first. Ooops!! But the tying part that I had so much trouble with last visit was spot on, almost without thinking. In fact, I found myself teaching a new comer who was having trouble with it. It felt good to teach something that was difficult once upon a time for me.

Japanese Tea Ceremony - One of the biggest challenges of the weekend though, was sitting seiza for 25 minutes without a cushion on tatami mats for the Japanese tea ceremony. My legs went completely numb from the knees down. Breathing through the pain and uncomfortable sensation of the increasing pressure and numbness was a huge teaching for me. Contrary to how I felt during my very first experience sitting seiza like this for the tea ceremony, I was actually able to focus on the ceremony itself and less on my own experience of uncomfortableness and pain by staying with my breathing. Amazing!

Mt. Equity this past weekend...

My weekend at Mt. Equity Zen Monastery was enjoyable. As always, I learned a lot about myself and what needs my greater attention and practice. The biggest thing that came up was the need to pull my awareness up out of my own self-centered concerns and be more attentive to the needs of those immediately around me. This was most evident at meal times when I neglected to pass certain food items that others hadn't received yet. Don't get me wrong, I'm not beating myself up, I'm just glad for the awareness of this as something I need to look at deeper within myself.

Sitting in the zendo with everyone else, I was able to feel stronger and more resolved within my own sitting practice. As Rev. Dai-En teaches, the "wattage" of our zazen is increased so much when we all sit together. I could actually feel it this time around. I could especially feel it when about half way through the sitting, right when my body is ready to give up and be done with it all, by just relaxing into the present moment and returning to my breath, almost miraculously I was able to continue on without the internal discord. It was a very encouraging feeling. I feel my practice energized by my experiences this weekend and it feels WONDERFUL!! I pray that I will be able to continue to bring this renewed energy to my cushion at home and within my everyday practice of my daily activities.

Peace to you. _/|\_

My Marriage...

I was just reading over some of my posts from last year, when things really started to fall apart between my wife and I. That made me think of where we are today and I realized that I wanted to share some of the "good" that's been going on in my marriage since December.

Let me just say from the outset that things are going very well between my wife and I since mid December. Sometimes when I stop and think about it, I'm not sure I know what exactly has changed. I guess the most important piece is that through the help of our counselor, we've been able to recognize that we each have basically the same priorities in life right now and once we were both able to see this in the other, this opened the door to the process of recommitting our selves to each other and our family as a whole. Right now, three whole months later, I can say that this process is almost completed. I feel our commitment level to the marriage and family is 110% right now and that just feels absolutely wonderful! We're still going to have our disagreements and all, but with the commitment base built back up again, we find ourselves quickly working through our differences and moving forward. Where as before, we would really get bogged down in the differences and would seem to spin our wheels and go nowhere.

I know for a fact that my Zen practice has a lot to do with my attitude change towards my wife and family as a whole. Acceptance has been the key. Accepting what we have together for what it is (not perfect or fairy-tale), and being able to work with where we are today to built something we both want and can be happy with tomorrow.

How to stop channel surfing

Q: When does it stop?

A: Whenever I want it to.

All I have to do is turn off the television to be closer to my Self. To connect with my deeper self. To dive beneath the surface of the pond to where our true nature lies. To be with me.

I need only to…stop.

I used to think I needed to meditate, or to pray or focus on my belly button. But now I know, all I have to do is stop, turn off the incessant noise of the TV and there I am. And then I’m with me. I'm still on the couch, still with the clicker in my hand but now I know that's where I am.

I don't need to call myself a meditator, or a Buddhist or Hindu or Catholic or even a seeker. I don't even need to call myself a stopper. I am simply someone who stops and listens for Me. And there I am. Here I am.

Posted by Tony at 10:52 AM on March 19th 2004 at Beneath Buddha's Eyes

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This post is just so cool I had to share it here. I would have linked to the archive but the page doesn't render well at all so I copied it here.

How many times have I done the same thing but to the radio in my car? I love how Tony makes the point about not having to put a label on what it is you are doing when you turn it off to listen to the inner world. There are so many times I get up on myself thinking I'm turning off the radio in my car as a "good little Zen meditator." Poo! I don't have to label at all, I'm just turning off the radio to be with myself. Plain and simple. Thanks Tony for the straightforward, no B.S. insight on stopping the mind-numbing surfing we all catch ourselves doing in one form or another!!

Mt. Equity Zen Monastery

I've realizing that I'm apprehensive and fearful about visiting Mt. Equity Zen Monastery this coming weekend. I'm not entirely sure why. I have my suspicions though... I think part of it is feeling the pressure to not "mess-up" during the orioki meals. I messed up big time during my last Sesshin with the folding and tying the cloth around the bowls right at the end of the meal. I also think there is fear surrounding the sittings and the jitteriness I'm experiencing on the new medication I'm on. You see, recently I've had a tendency to "cheat" lately when sitting alone on my own. You know, shifting my position, looking around, not sitting a full period. Stuff like that. I know that when I sit with the group in the zendo, I feel the pressure to be completely still and not move a hair. That scares me this time around for some reason. In the past, I've always had apprehension around going beyond my comfort zone with the group sittings, but I've been able to relax about it once the sitting is underway. I don't know why this time I don't think I have the capacity to do this. I guess this is where faith in my abilities to "just sit" comes in. Just have faith that when the time comes I WILL be able to do the sitting, no matter how long the period is and no matter what comes up.

Here's something from my collected words of wisdom that I want to take with me this weekend. I find it quite comforting.

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Our breath is always with us. It is a (hopefully) reliable constant. This practice will hold its hands out and show how the conceptual mind operates. It is an indispensable practice that requires nothing but the breath. The trick is to JUST FOCUS BREATH. The reason there's no "THE" in just focus breath is because "THE" is extraneous. This practice throws out ALL the extraneous! Even "JUST FOCUS" is too much, it really should only be "BREATH"... Saying it's too hard to do is not JUST FOCUSING BREATH. There is no "easy" or "hard" in this practice. Only the breath. What sorrow and strife does the breath have?

~ Anon.

Gratitude...

In the same way that rain breaks into a house with a bad roof, desire breaks into the mind that has not been practicing meditation.

~ Anon.

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This quote just hit me square between the eyes. It illustrates for me in a clear, concise way, why I need to put more effort into cultivating that daily sitting practice.

I am grateful today for the several sittings I was able to find the time for this past weekend. I know it helped me be calm and supportive for Amy and my wife yesterday (Amy was in the hospital for tubes in both ears). Everything worked out just fine, thank goodness, and I am grateful for that as well.

Be well.

Happy FIRST day of SPRING!!

Woo Hooo!! SPRING! Just back from a family walk and feeling great!! The sun is shining, it's in the 50's and the snow is melting. It just felt wonderful to be outside today!!

Happy Last Day of Winter!!

Well, winter is really giving us a good run for it's money here in the Philly area. There was 3 inches of wet snow on the ground this morning when I woke up. Hopefully it will be the last of the snow for the season. I was pretty though, the way it was sticking to the tree branches made it look like a winter wonderland out there.

Hope everyone who is dealing with the snow today stays safe!! Peace.

Valuable Teaching...

Be quiet, look within and enjoy the healing power of silence. Let go of your sorrow and attachments. Your inner core and wisdom heart remain untouched either by insult or by praise. So have faith in your heart and trust yourself.

Sit free from fear and worries. Rely on your true and sincere heart for your meditation. Pay attention and concentrate on your breath. Let peace and happiness prevail and spread through you. Remember that your life is intimately connected with all other life.

May all being benefit from your presence as a living embodiment of peace and happiness.

~ Venerable Samu Sunim

I ran across these words today here (via Lorianne's blog). I was so touched by the simple, directness of this Zen master's words that I just had to share it with you.

May you embody peace and happiness today. _/|\_

New Look

So, waddya think of the new look?

Fear

"The ability to die in peace means the ability to live in peace."
~ Rev. Master Jiyu-Kennett

I sit on my cushion to 'just sit' and accidentally I learn how to live in peace and (eventually, hopefully) die in peace. As I listened to the tape by Rev. Master Jiyu-Kennett, "The Art of Meditation" where that quote is from, I realized that one of my primary reasons for coming to Zen practice is my fear of death. But it's not just my death that has fear around it, I'm realizing that there is a lot in my life that has fear around it as well. May that fear be opened up and exposed by my practice. And being opened up and exposed, my fears will eventually dissipate into nothingness.

The Backward Step

Found these words today while turning my mind outward here.

The mind that turns ever outward
Will have no end to craving.
Only the mind turned inward
Will find a still-point of peace.

When will I ever learn?

Death & Birth

Yesterday I witnessed
many deaths and
many births
as the snow fell
on my windshield.

They lived as snow flakes
Then they died
Born again as water droplets
Right in front of my eyes.

I was able to glimpse, for just a fraction of a second, the truth of birth and death being only transitional doors we travel through when the time and conditions are met. For this brief spark of realization I am grateful and happy to be alive.

One Year Old

Well, today dharma_path.blogspot.com turns one year old!! I've been bloggin' for a year now. Wow, that went fast! Musta been having fun! ;-)

Good time to revisit why I created this blog in the first place.

At first I wanted my blog to be just about my efforts, struggles, accomplishments to live the life of my newly chosen Zen practice. In the past year I've opened it up a bit to include more of just what is my life. After all, ALL of my life is in fact the Dharma as I'm personally manifesting it right here, right now. So, here I am a full year later. To be honest, I don't feel as though my Zen practice has taken root yet. There have been long stretches where I've been totally away from daily sittings. As I wrote about yesterday, it's been very challenging for me to try and find a balance between all the other things going on in my life (saving a rocky marriage, raising a 4 year old, helping my wife through nursing school, keeping my head above water in a busy and challenging position at work, etc) and a daily sitting practice. More often than I'd like, time to sit has been sacrificed for time spent with my wife before we drift off to an always needed good night's sleep. Maybe this has been the year to recognize that moment to moment in our daily lives, shit just happens and there's absolutely no use fretting over it. I think I've glimpsed just a fraction of that lesson, but I am glad for what I HAVE learned of it. It will help me moving forward I'm sure!!

Also during the year I've realized that my blog has been driving my ego in a way. Frequently I find myself writing not for me but for those who would read my posts and comment on them. It's interesting how I can get caught up with thoughts like "Hey man!! How come nobody commented on that way cool post???" When I first started this weblog project, I wanted to just chronicle for myself my journey in practice. Interesting how things get morphed by the ego isn't it?

Here's to many more years as a member of the blogging community! Thanks to all who have contributed to my blog via the comments and personal emails. I welcome you input!

Monday checkin...

Not enough time to blog and I DON'T LIKE IT!! I miss reading everyone on my Daily Reads. :-(

Just a quick post to check-in with where I'm at...

I resurrected my sitting practice in the past few days and it feels good. I've had to really push myself to sit but I'm glad I did. Finding balance in daily family living to allow time for a regular sitting practice is turning out to be one of my greatest challenges in life. I pray that I may be able to meet this challenge someday (soon). Why is this my prayer today? Because I catch glimpses of the life I'd like to live when I can sit daily for a period of time. It's hard to describe, life just seems to work so much better for me when it becomes a regular, daily part of my life.

May I remember this post the next time I'm resistant to sitting down on the cushion.

_/|\_ (gassho)

Living a Life of Vow, by Zenkei Blanche Hartman

Living a Life of Vow, by Zenkei Blanche Hartman

I found this wonderful article again today. "just this is enough" is what I am practicing today. Having put all my birthday money in the family savings account to build up the family cash reserve, I have renounced having to spend the gift money on things exclusively for me. With a couple of hundred dollars just sitting there burning a hole in my pocket, I decided that this time around I would forgo spending the money on what I wanted and just put it into the family pot. I just feels like the right thing to do. I would have spent it on more spiritual books/tapes/CDs no doubt. I have plenty I haven't even read yet, so I really don't need anymore (despite what my head is telling me).

The other thing that I was planning on spending the money on was a backpack. I want to replace the briefcase that I use during the week for work. It's just not my style anymore. In fact, it's funny how the whole corporate life is "just not my style" anymore. Yes, I still work for a big corporation (for now). But the ties and loafers have been replaced by casual shirts and shoes. It's a blessing that I work in a new area of the company that doesn't require the business dress code. Been thinking a lot lately about the rest of the corporate package that comes with the position that I'm in. Not entirely sure I want to continue down this path. For now though, I'm content with doing the best job I can and spending the rest of my time for family and myself.

fear

what
would
she
say?

if today
she knew
my fears

would it bring tears?

or her own fears?

my fears
how little they really are
but how big
they feel
to me

fears
are not real
for they too
will disappear

is that really true?

if i can feel
how can they not be real?

hello my little fear
how nice it is to see you

won't you come in
and stay a while?

and when it's time to go
we can say goodbye

goodbye for now
my little fear
how nice it was of you to visit

goodbye